long-distance relationships are not terrible enough
the ultimate review of ldr you will ever need
Estimated reading time: 20 minutes
Just one quick announcement: “logged in” has rebranded as “the frog society”. Probably gonna need a whole post to explain, but that’s for another week. Enjoy!
Long-distance relationship does not seem to make sense.
The lack of physical presence, the miles of separation, and the strain of maintaining intimacy across screens can seem like an insurmountable challenge. A week ago, I asked my chat what’s their point on long-distance relationships on my little village; most are not too hopeful.
Yet, for millions of couples, this form of connection is the only way they can make sense of their love. While the absence of daily physical interaction may appear to undermine the very foundation of a romantic relationship, the dedication and commitment required to sustain an LDR reveal a deeper, often overlooked dimension of partnership.
Long-distance relationships do not seem to make sense, but they are the only solution for definitely not a small number of couples.
Here, love is not measured by proximity but by the unwavering effort to bridge the gap, to find meaning and connection despite the distance.
As we delve into the world of long-distance relationships, we uncover the beauty in the struggle, the meaning in the distance, and the strength in shared purpose. Here, we explore the intricate dynamics that make LDRs not just a test of love but a profound journey of self-discovery and mutual growth.
“He who has a why can bear any how.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche
Welcome to our exploration of the long-distance love journey, where every mile apart is a step closer to understanding the true essence of connection.
1. long distance relationships do not make sense, but what are they?
Long-distance relationships are the same as short-distance relationships, except that they are even worse, are the ultimate combination of the deep loneliness of being single and the strict exclusivity of a relationship.
One of the most fundamental requirements of a long-distance relationship is that you do it long-distance. What if it’s on the other side of the city, and it’s a big city? Doesn’t count. Most likely not in the same city, very likely not even in the same country, or on the same continent. Fortunately, technology has not allowed us to be on different planets yet.
Research shows that the bedrock of satisfaction in LDRs is a reliable alliance, accounting for an astonishing 75% of relationship satisfaction. It’s not the absence of challenges that defines a thriving LDR, but the commitment to enduring them together, transforming distance into a testament to love’s resilience.
The complexity of LDRs goes beyond the simple dichotomy of being together or apart. Partners navigate a social matrix where their relationship must constantly seek validation and support, often against cultural norms that equate love with physical presence. These couples balance multiple contradictions, facing not just the geographical distance but the intricate dance of maintaining intimacy and autonomy, affection and independence, nurturing and personal growth.
If LDRs were a dance, every step and even misstep contributes to a rhythm that defines their unique connection. Partners in an LDR being dancers are sloppy; they get up on the wrong foot, miscommunicate, or even change partners halfway, but the enjoyment, fulfilment, and, best of all, the music, are there.
The flow of their relationship is shaped by the optimal degree of challenge, creating a purposeful connection that transcends mere physical proximity.
2. why do people think that long-distance relationships will fail?
Long-distance relationships often carry an inherent skepticism about their success. People just don’t want to say straight to your face that they don’t believe that it will succeed in the event that you do have one, or in the case that they do, it is “fOr yOuR sAkE”.
The reasons behind this doubt are rooted in both practical and emotional concerns that can challenge the foundation of any relationship. It is BELIEVED that long-distance relationships will fail based on two dominant reasons: the lack of physical presence, and their experience.
physical presence or the lack thereof, is the most prominent fear
One common belief is that physical presence is crucial for maintaining a relationship's health. Daily interactions, shared experiences, sex, and the simple comfort of being together can create a strong bond. The absence of these elements in a long-distance relationship can lead to fears of growing apart or becoming emotionally distant.
Many individuals expressed the importance of physical touch in a romantic relationship, stating that the lack thereof made it difficult to feel connected with their partner.
In addition, the strain of maintaining a connection across miles can magnify insecurities. The distance may lead to questions about trust and fidelity, fueled by societal narratives that suggest proximity is necessary for commitment. People often worry that without regular face-to-face interactions, partners might find it easier to stray or lose interest.
People invent many gadgets in order to compensate for the lack of presence, and trust me when I say they really got creative.
Communication, though essential in any relationship, can very much become a double-edged sword. While technology provides numerous ways to stay connected, it can also fall short of replicating the nuances of in-person conversations. Misunderstandings may arise more easily, and the lack of non-verbal cues can make it challenging to fully grasp a partner’s emotions.
observations/personal experience
But the strongest indicator of attitudes toward LDRs came from observations and personal experience, which means that they draw their views on LDRs either from their failed LDRs or from their friends’s failed LDRs, positively or negatively.
While long-distance relationships are often perceived as challenging, observing a successful and well-maintained LDR can positively influence perceptions. It's like learning the fact that an oasis can pop out in the middle of a desert—what seems impossible is, in fact, common and very possible.
While the harsh and barren landscape of distance might seem inhospitable to love, when an oasis of commitment and stability emerges, it not only defies expectations but also becomes a testament to the strength and resilience that flourish even in the most challenging conditions.
The same, however, can be said for the opposite side of the spectrum. One friend of mine shared his observation:
"I've known a lot of people who try to be in long-distance relationships, and they fail nine times out of ten, so I think 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is bullshit. How can you grow with someone you don't even see regularly?" he said.
"Just like in the movies, one partner cheats or falls for someone else they spend more time with. Or, they simply lose feelings because they aren't seeing their partner often enough to even remember why they're together," he concluded.
Witnessing a low track record of success can impact young adults’ opinions of LDRs and, consequently, the chances of them ever trying one out or recommending the prospect to another. But these are not necessarily causal.
People hinted at culture and technology’s role in their perceptions: they just don't think they trust people enough to stay faithful, should they be hours away.
The contemporary dating scene is abysmal: with technology and hookup culture, people have seemingly unlimited options to choose from. I think I worry that if I can't even snag a partner in my area, how am I going to keep a partner who lives far away?
References to the “abysmal” dating scene and “hookup culture” are both phrases this young adult used to make sense of LDRs, which exemplifies another potential source of stigma. Similarly, the reference to "hookup culture" underscores the idea that today's dating world is dominated by short-term, superficial interactions, which can cast further doubt on the viability of LDRs.
In a culture that often prioritizes instant gratification and casual relationships, the commitment and patience required for a long-distance relationship may seem out of place or even naïve. This mindset can contribute to the stigma surrounding LDRs, as they are seen as going against the grain of what is considered "normal" or acceptable in the contemporary dating scene.
I have yet to meet a person who considered an LDR to be an ideal relationship. Another study supports this, as none of the participants would prefer an LDR, yet 43% of the 46% who identified as being in a relationship were fully long-distance (about 2 hours driving or farther) or partially long-distance. In addition, most participants saw a geographically close relationship as ideal. This indicates that young adults view LDRs negatively yet still engage in them.
What a bunch of masochists we are.
3. are long-distance relationships REALLY doomed to fail?
The belief that long-distance relationships are destined to fail often contrasts sharply with the dynamics of close, proximal relationships.
Long-distance relationships are short-distance relationships with no fun parts and all no-fun parts. Or that’s what we’re used to thinking. As it turns out, we might be horribly wrong.
Research reveals a plot twist: long-distance relationships (LDRs) often show greater stability than their geographically close counterparts. Andrew Merolla, an associate professor of communication theory at Baldwin Wallace University, delves into this paradox. He suggests that when people commit to staying together despite the physical distance, their relationship might already be stronger. So it is useless to even compare.
Another key factor is idealization, i.e., attributing overly positive traits to someone, which are often not that close to reality.
On idealization, it turns out that thousands of years ago, Plato had already made an analogy to explain long-distance relationships.
In Plato's Allegory of the Cave, prisoners are chained inside a dark cave, facing a blank wall. Behind them is a fire, and between the fire and the prisoners is a walkway where objects are moved. The prisoners can see only the shadows of these objects cast on the wall in front of them. Having been in the cave their entire lives, they believe these shadows are the most real things in the world, unaware of the actual objects or the brighter, more intricate reality outside the cave.
Just as the prisoners mistake shadows for reality, partners in a long-distance relationship form perceptions of each other based primarily on limited communication, and the screens are cave walls. These interactions, while meaningful, are only "shadows" or representations of the full, complex, beautiful, and very flawed person each partner is in reality.
This idealization is like seeing only the shadows on the wall—a partial, often overly favorable view of a person. It’s a common phenomenon among couples, perhaps too common, as Merolla points out: “the complexity of anyone is overwhelming,” and when we simplify someone, we tend to do so in a more flattering light, especially when strong feelings are involved.
What’s even more surprising to find is that in a 2006 study by Merolla, Stafford, and Janessa Castle found that some long-distance relationships might be better off remaining apart. They studied 335 undergraduates in LDRs, with 180 eventually reuniting geographically. Among these reunited couples, about a third broke up within three months. Reasons included
a loss of autonomy,
heightened conflict,
jealousy,
and, most importantly, new negative information about their partners—essentially disrupting the romantic idealization.
Whether or not your relationship faced challenges after reuniting, it’s worth noting that with three-quarters of college students experiencing LDRs and the natural tendency to idealize, breaking up is just as common as
relationship satisfaction and intimacy processes
Previous research on relationship satisfaction in LDRs has produced mixed results. Research found that there is not that much difference in satisfaction between long-distance and definitely not-long-distance relationships. Holt and Stone (1988) also found satisfaction did not vary with the frequency of visits among LDRs. Those visiting less than once per month reported similar satisfaction levels as those with more frequent visits. Visit frequency was not significantly related to any intimacy processes, though a weak relationship with companionship was noted.
Overall, LDRs were not significantly different from non-LDRs in most intimacy processes.
LDR hardcore fans feel as loved, respected, and understood by their partners as do non-LDR members. Satisfaction and reliable alliances emerged as important and interrelated dimensions. Reliable alliance, as an index of commitment, aligns with Rusbult’s (1983) investment model, where satisfaction is a fundamental antecedent of commitment.
Despite the common belief that LDRs are more prone to failure, the breakup rate did not differ significantly from non-LDRs.
Members of terminated LDRs often cited distance as the primary reason for the breakup, although no single characteristic of LDRs explained the lower satisfaction and confidence levels. It is necessary to say that research on LDR is still a fairly limited field.
Sharing less about daily activities is typical in LDRs and does not indicate a troubled relationship. Understanding the variability in factors associated with satisfaction may help members of LDRs recognize that overall satisfaction is strongly related to relationship continuity.
Members of LDRs can be reassured that their relationship is not inherently more likely to end due to distance and limited in-person contact. The bad news is that if you were to break up, it’s probably totally on you.
4. polar opposites: being far and being close
Short-distance or long-distance, they’re all our ways of trying to categorize relationships and fitting nicely into boxes. In truth, the distance can and will vary. Short-distance or long-distance, in this sense, are only used as temporary properties of relationships. Those that change.
Being in a relationship, or more specifically, in a long-distance relationship, forces couples to navigate concepts that are polar opposites: stability versus change, certainty versus uncertainty, and conventionality versus uniqueness.
People often regard the time spent together as “the good time” and the time spent apart as "the bad time.” In “the bad time”, hugs and kisses are of the table, arguments are much trickier to solve, missing out on your partner’s important moments is on the table, and every night you pretend your body pillow is your partner, who is actually on the opposite side of the earth. All of which are hardly any problems in “the good time.”
However, reflections of pros and cons in relationships or forces that are opposites within a given relationship do not actually have to act opposite. Relational contradictions are the product of the dynamic movements between two forces; in their flux, the two forces influence one another in both enabling and constraining ways. In other words, the time that you spent apart and together will help and restrain one another.
Transitioning from being apart to being together is not always only full of fun. “Vacationship” is a term coined to describe the pressure to spend all time together in a meaningful way, focusing all conversation on the relationship itself, and having to negotiate existing social networks in each partner’s home base.
Many couples also felt that they couldn’t get into a lifestyle “rhythm” while they were with their partner, due to it being an exceptional scenario. If you’ve been in an LDR before, I am describing those times that you compromise time spent with your work, friends, and family in order to fully optimise the time that you are together.
On the other hand, many couples reported that being together had positive aspects for the remainder of the relationship, and rejuvenated partners’ ability to be apart.
LDR partners often strive to make the most of their time together, aiming to feel a sense of genuine connection and progress in their relationship.
This time together allows them to manage the unknowns of their partner’s life during periods apart, creating shared ‘knowns’ that help reduce uncertainty. They use this quality time to negotiate their needs for certainty—by learning more about each other’s lives—and uncertainty—by enjoying exciting, fun experiences together. The desire to both ‘feel like normal couples’ and engage in unique activities highlights the balance they seek between conventional experiences and new, shared adventures.
These memories become more than just reflections of past moments; they serve as a source of comfort and connection, reinforcing the bond between partners despite the physical distance. The joy of reminiscing about these experiences provides reassurance and helps maintain a sense of closeness.
Additionally, the anticipation of future reunions and shared experiences adds a layer of excitement and motivation, keeping the relationship vibrant and hopeful. Thus, the accumulation of shared memories and the anticipation of creating new ones play a crucial role in sustaining and enriching an LDR, offering emotional nourishment and a strong sense of connection.
These two interaction states influence one another in several different ways. These data evidence that being together and being apart impact one another in both enabling and constraining ways. For example, couples reported how being together works with their time apart by having such positive impacts as serving as a reminder of the relationship and/or of their partner.
The time spent together also’refreshes’ the partners for the time apart as well as working to construct valuable memories for partners to draw on when apart.
Being apart also works with and against being together for these LDR partners.
The theme of ‘Segmentation’ further reflects contradictions found in relational dialectics literature, such as autonomy versus connection and dyad versus individual work.
Partners frequently acknowledge the benefits and drawbacks of distinguishing between their personal and relational lives. Maintaining this separation often results in a smoother relationship, with fewer arguments, as they can enjoy their solo time without interference, akin to having their cake and eating it too. When together, they switch from solo mode to couple mode, immersing themselves fully in each other’s presence.
Additionally, this separation allows partners to focus on their careers and personal goals while apart, making their reunions feel more special and engaging—much like savoring the last slice of pizza. This dynamic fosters both personal success and a thriving relationship, enhancing the quality of their time together. The influence of their outer social circles also plays a role, as these networks can both support and challenge the relationship.
This clear division helps them manage their personal and relationship time effectively, as if organizing a closet where each item has its designated place.
Couples report that the time apart makes them want to have a good time when they are together; therefore, partners are more conscious of making the time together special. In turn, being apart puts a lot of pressure on couples to have memorable times, which can prove to be a strain on the partners, the relationship, and the time they have with their partners. However, time apart allows for partners to get work done and experience new things that they can bring to the time they spend with one another.
An ideal long-distance relationship seamlessly blends the time spent apart with the moments shared together. But your relationship only needs to be successful, not necessarily ideal.
Meeting one another is a turning point for most couples. But about half of the LDRs ended during physical separation, preventing this turning point from ever occurring. Of those that survived the separation, one-third ended within three months of reuniting. Even for relationships that continued, many individuals felt they lost some of the benefits of being in a long-distance relationship.
There are four interconnected aspects of reunions that affect LDR post-reunions:
increased relational knowledge,
the dissipation of idealized notions,
increased interdependence,
and multiple turning points during the transition.
increased relational knowledge
Partners gain new insights about their partners and relationships after reuniting. Interaction is crucial for acquiring knowledge about a partner, which is a predictor of marital quality and stability. Reunion led to the discovery of both positive and negative traits about partners. This increased knowledge didn't necessarily enhance commitment, as it sometimes revealed imperfections and negative aspects.
dissipation of idealized notions
Being in close proximity altered the image of one’s partner.
Early, intense emotional involvement often gives way to more realistic perceptions as partners interact more. Limited interaction in LDRs can maintain or even foster idealized images, but permanent proximity often dissipates these romanticized ideals.
The belief that distance strengthened the relationship was not more common among those who ended their relationship after reuniting than those who continued, suggesting that idealization might function differently across relationship stages.
increased interdependence
Reunions increased interdependence, highlighting the tension between autonomy and connection.
Both those who maintained and those who ended their relationships reported a loss of autonomy upon reunion. Those who ended their relationships missed their previous independence more. This suggests that partners may struggle with increased togetherness and need to renegotiate their relational and non-relational lives. Those who continued their relationships reported more difficulty managing time and tasks, perhaps indicating a better awareness and management of these tensions.
multiple turning points
The transition from LDR to SDR can act as a catalyst for multiple subsequent turning points.
Major transitions like this can be seen as a series of smaller turning points as couples develop shared communication experiences. Many changes reported by participants, such as relational adjustments and partner realizations, align with previously identified turning points among college students. Increased face-to-face time, external competition, network interaction, and conflict were all significant factors during reunions.
5. ldr is a tough pill to swallow; here is the water
The thing that kills most long-distance relationships is the constant, underlying uncertainty of everything.
Research indicates that feelings of security, or the lack thereof, and negative emotions are critical predictors of relationship outcomes. Couples who feel secure in their relationship are more likely to stay together, while those experiencing higher levels of negative emotions face a greater likelihood of breaking up.
Interestingly, while a slightly higher proportion of long-distance couples do break up compared to those in same-city relationships, the difference isn’t statistically significant.
The pervasive uncertainty in LDRs fuels literal existential crises, prompting questions like,
“Is this worth it?”
or
“Will he find anyone close to him attractive?”
Such uncertainty grows over time like jungle vines, creeping on you and amplifying doubts and insecurities. To counter this, it is essential to have tangible milestones to look forward to—whether it's planning the next visit, pursuing opportunities in each other’s cities, or envisioning future life changes. Without these goals, maintaining enthusiasm and optimism becomes challenging, as relationships need to grow to survive.
Psychologically, separation distorts perceptions. Limited interaction often leads to exaggerated assumptions or irrational fears. Some individuals might become jealous or possessive, misinterpreting innocuous social interactions as threats. Others might fall into critical patterns, interpreting minor issues as signs of impending breakup. Alternatively, there’s the risk of idealizing the partner, forgetting their flaws and viewing them through a perfect lens.
To navigate these challenges, maintaining skepticism about one's feelings is crucial. Or, in other words,
give your partner the benefit of the doubt
Our imagination is a curious thing. When we’re apart from one another or have limited exposure to a person, we start to imagine all sorts of things and make all sorts of assumptions or judgments that are exaggerated, completely wrong, or just batshit crazy.
In long-distance relationships, this psychological distortion can lead to an unfathomable range of unhinged behaviors.
Jealousy and possessiveness escalate as partners interpret even the most innocent social interactions, such as a coffee date with friends, into threats to their relationship.
Or in some long-distance relationships, people became excessively critical and anxious, seeing every minor issue as a potential deal-breaker. For example, if an urgent meeting pops up and causes a partner to miss a scheduled call, it can feel like the relationship is on the brink of collapse—“She’s forgotten about me; I’m on the sidelines of her life, this is it.”
Conversely, some individuals may start idealizing their partner, imagining them as flawless. Without daily face-to-face interactions, it’s easy to overlook the small annoyances that might normally irritate you. Instead, you might envision your partner as the perfect match, with the only obstacle being the logistical challenges keeping you apart.
Instead of succumbing to fantasy, communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your thoughts and emotions. It’s crucial to maintain a healthy level of skepticism about your feelings during these times. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
sharing a future plan together, literally
The foundation of a successful LDR lies in having a shared vision for the future. Without a realistic prospect of reuniting or aligning life goals, the relationship quickly loses meaning, and it can be much quicker than you imagine. Both partners must be committed to a common path, making significant efforts to bridge the distance. This commitment is crucial, as it transforms a distant relationship into one with a clear direction.
Love alone is not sufficient. For a long-distance relationship or any relationship to work, you both need to share aligned life visions, values, and interests. If one partner is committed to a career in Tokyo while the other is competitively caving in New Mexico, the relationship faces a dead-end, no matter how deep the affection.
You must make substantial, life-altering commitments to each other for a long-distance relationship to even stand a chance. Ironically, this often means making more profound commitments to someone you’ve spent less time with compared to a traditional relationship. It’s like spending a fortune on a painting when you can only see a few sketches.
Is it worth it? This is the question I get most often from friends and from my readers. The short answer is, yes, it’s worth it, always. Because even if the relationship burns down to hell, even if you just want to go back in time and shoot yourself in the head for wanting to be engaged in this type of relationship, you will still have learned a lot about yourself, about intimacy, and about commitment.
Can it work? Yes, it can. Does it work? Most of the times, no. But that’s true for most relationships. Relationships suck, but long-distance relationships do not suck any worse.
Research papers that I probably spent too much time on to write this:
Cameron, J.J. and Ross, M. (n.d.). In Times of Uncertainty: Predicting the Survival of Long-Distance Relationships. [online] Research Gate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/5537054_In_Times_of_Uncertainty_Predicting_the_Survival_of_Long-Distance_Relationships.
Dainton, M. and Aylor, B. (2001). A relational uncertainty analysis of jealousy, trust, and maintenance in long‐distance versus... [online] ResearchGate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/241716101_A_relational_uncertainty_analysis_of_jealousy_trust_and_maintenance_in_long-distance_versus_geographically_close_relationships.
Kafaee, N. and Kohut, T. (2021). Online sexual experiences and relationship functioning in long distance relationships. [online] Research Gate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/350866146_Online_sexual_experiences_and_relationship_functioning_in_long_distance_relationships.
Li, H., Häkkilä, J. and Väänänen, K. (2020). Towards a Conceptual Design Framework for Emotional Communication Systems for Long-Distance Relationships. [online] Research Gate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/343233520_Towards_a_Conceptual_Design_Framework_for_Emotional_Communication_Systems_for_Long-Distance_Relationships.
Parcell, E.S. (2004). Relating at a distance: Negotiating being together and being apart in long-distance relationships. [online] Research Gate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249719555_Relating_at_a_distance_Negotiating_being_together_and_being_apart_in_long-distance_relationships.
Stafford, L. and Canary, D. (2001). Equity in the preservation of personal relationships. [online] Research Gate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/285873988_Equity_in_the_preservation_of_personal_relationships.
Stafford, L., Merolla, A.J. and Castle, J.D. (2006). When long-distance relationships become geographically close. [online] Research Gate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/375607126_The_Impact_of_Training_and_Development_on_Employees_Performance_and_Productivity_a_case_study_of_Banking_Sector.
Stafford, L. and Merolla, A.J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. [online] Research Gate. Available at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249719474_Idealization_reunions_and_stability_in_long-distance_dating_relationships.
Pretty interesting read. My ex girlfriend and I did 1 year long distance—Netherlands and South Africa.
We did it because we knew she was going to move over. Making it work, I guess everyone does it differently, but I flew to SA at least 3 times that year for a week or 2. No tech other than a laptop and phone.
Anyhow, we broke up much later, unrelated to the distance—a mate of mine did 4 years long distance, but they met online to begin with, and they’re living together now, few years later.
Certainly can work, but upon reflection, I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you’re the kind of people that are comfortable being reliant on technology.